Jennifer

Omg! I bawled during lastnight's Biggest Loser! In the beginning I was really rooting for Bernie and Brittany, and then even Maggie. I am so suprised at how I have really come to like Ali and Kelly. I think it is far more than my dislike for the blue team. Kelly I never saw making it past the first couple of weeks. If I only had an ounce of Ali's drive! SO....VOTE FOR MARK! Give the girl's a chance!

 

I fell off the wagon once again. Same old story. I was very depressed. Didn't care. Didn't want to do anything. Couldn't remember why I wanted to lose weight in the first place. Had the overall thought of , "You have 180 pounds to lose, it's impossible", stuck in my head. Or the, "Even if you lose 80 pounds you are still going to be obese." Very self~defeating. Like alot of overweight people, I know my issues run deeper than the weight itself. Truth be told, I'm scared. I was only 19 when I had my first child (and very naive). 22 and 23 with my 2nd and 3rd children. I was still growing up myself. We basically have grown up together. I made alot of mistakes. That's the best way to learn right? I know numerous times I have let things come before the kids over the years. Mostly relationship BS. Now that they are older and our relationship has become so strong, my mentality has changed so much.  I wasted the last 5 years in an unhealthy relationship and that has affected the kids. Before that was a toxic marriage. Now I'm free and am terrified of the thought of doing that to them anymore. It's only natural that when you meet someone new that makes you happy, you want to spend alot of time with them. Maybe I am subconsciously making sure that doesn' t happen. I need to instill it in my brain that I can be healthy, fit, AND single! Especially for my kids. There is so much more I could be doing with them minus the weight. I am only hurting them in the long run because when I eat bad, so do they.

 

At work we just started our annual, "Eat Well, Live Well", Challenge. Basically the goal is to get in 10,000 steps and 5 cups fruits/veggies a day. It's company (national) wide and we have three teams in our facility. Last year I volunteered to be team leader. I didn't feel I did a good job and I cheated alot because I could. This year I wanted to be a team member and prove that I could really do this. Well....conveniently there was a shortage of volunteers for team leader, and seeing how my info was already in the computer from last year, I got stuck with it again. Oh well. Now I can really prove myself. Yesterday I got in 7 cups of fruits/veggies and almost 12,000 steps! Todays totals will be even greater. I have started walking on my lunch breaks and....(drum roll please).....I have started jogging/running on my treadmill!!! I am following the couch 2 K program. I love it. To start, you alternate walking 90 seconds with jogging/running 30 seconds for a total of 20 minutes. It may not sound like alot but for someone that hasn't run in 16 years and weighs over 300 pounds...it is. I am a good sore and I love it. I really want to keep at it. In May we have a company sponsered "Walk For The Health Of It". I want to complete it without huffing and puffing!

 

I suppose that is all for now. I just need to keep my focus. This is about me. ME. Not for other's acceptance or approval. Having the kids follow suit will just be an added benefit. I have to do this for me and my happiness or I will continue to fail.

 

 

Jennifer

I am about 85% better. Still have some congestion and a sore throat but for the most part I feel tons better. Now it's time to get back on track! I am still down 36 pounds but I have been eating terribly and not working out at all. Being sick, there were lots of days I barely ate and other days when I just ate pure junk. So enough of all that. I am actually looking forward to my salad at lunchtime! Eating so crappy made me feel even more sluggish than normal. Ick.  It was a necessary evil though. All the cold medicines and anti~biotics were making me nauseous.

Anyway~I promised the kids we would start swimming again once everyone was healthy (the pools at our gym are nice and heated ). I also bought myself a pair of roller skates!! I have only tried them once and almost killed myself. I think it's a combination of not skating for the past 13 years and being so heavy. I'm just going to keep practicing until it feels natural again. I'm also still trying to teach my daughter how to skate. It's just scary because she has no balance at all! When she falls she just lets herself fall. I am scared to death she is going to hurt herself.

I suppose that's it. I am attempting to change up the page a bit and really get involved with those looking to stick around now that the competition is over. It's still up in the air whether or not I still have my partner. We will see.

 

Jennifer

 

I had no choice but to snap out of my little pity party. I pretty much came home from Reno with a little stuffy nose and have been getting sicker everyday. I was out of work all lastweek. I attempted to go Thursday but was quickily sent home. I finally broke down and went to the doctor today and found out I have a severe case of Bronchitis. I have literally done nothing but sleep all week. Even today at the Dr's office (day 8 of being sick) I felt like I was going to pass out. They gave me some medicine that I am praying helps me get better soon. I have no choice but to go back to work Monday and I am literally dreading it. I have never been this sick in my entire life!  On a semi~good note though (I guess), my throat hurts so bad so I am very limited on what I can eat. So far I am down another 7 pounds. It was nice to go to the Dr and get weighed with my jeans, shoes and heavy oversized sweatshirt and still  weigh less than my scale at home says. I'll be honest though, I can't wait to be able to excersise and eat healthy again. Being this sick for so long is getting really depressing.

On one last note, I wanted to apologize to anyone that was offended by my last blog. I was having a pity party and didn't really read what I was writing. I felt like a complete jerk when I re~read it later. I'm so sorry!

 

Jennifer

So we are back from our long awaited trip to Reno. It was chaotic and disappointing to say the least. It could have been so much better than it was. It's depressing. I am also getting 150% back on track. I took a few blows to my self esteem. It hurt but I can be delusional sometimes when it comes to my weight. 312 pounds is by no means chunky, chubby or cute (on me). It's morbid obesity, plain and simple. There were a few people that I was around over the weekend that used to flirt etc...(I was the center of attention when we hung out). They didn't give me the time of day. In fact one of my step brothers didnt even recognize me...and I mean that in a negative way. On a good note though, I enjoyed my freedom of not having to worry about making another person happy (i.e. my ex). I honestly don't want to be in another relationship right now. I do want to be happy and not so insecure though. I feel like I am not at all the person (personality wise) that I used to be.

The one good thing that I have to say about the trip was that, although I ate pretty badly, we walked so much that I didn't gain a thing. If I had the chance to go back I would have definately made some better food choices and turned all my walking into a loss, but I will take the maintain. Expect to be hearing lots more from me. I am kicking my own butt into gear.

 

Jennifer