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April 09 Vote For Mark!!!Omg! I bawled during lastnight's Biggest Loser! In the beginning I was really rooting for Bernie and Brittany, and then even Maggie. I am so suprised at how I have really come to like Ali and Kelly. I think it is far more than my dislike for the blue team. Kelly I never saw making it past the first couple of weeks. If I only had an ounce of Ali's drive! SO....VOTE FOR MARK! Give the girl's a chance!
I fell off the wagon once again. Same old story. I was very depressed. Didn't care. Didn't want to do anything. Couldn't remember why I wanted to lose weight in the first place. Had the overall thought of , "You have 180 pounds to lose, it's impossible", stuck in my head. Or the, "Even if you lose 80 pounds you are still going to be obese." Very self~defeating. Like alot of overweight people, I know my issues run deeper than the weight itself. Truth be told, I'm scared. I was only 19 when I had my first child (and very naive). 22 and 23 with my 2nd and 3rd children. I was still growing up myself. We basically have grown up together. I made alot of mistakes. That's the best way to learn right? I know numerous times I have let things come before the kids over the years. Mostly relationship BS. Now that they are older and our relationship has become so strong, my mentality has changed so much. I wasted the last 5 years in an unhealthy relationship and that has affected the kids. Before that was a toxic marriage. Now I'm free and am terrified of the thought of doing that to them anymore. It's only natural that when you meet someone new that makes you happy, you want to spend alot of time with them. Maybe I am subconsciously making sure that doesn' t happen. I need to instill it in my brain that I can be healthy, fit, AND single! Especially for my kids. There is so much more I could be doing with them minus the weight. I am only hurting them in the long run because when I eat bad, so do they.
At work we just started our annual, "Eat Well, Live Well", Challenge. Basically the goal is to get in 10,000 steps and 5 cups fruits/veggies a day. It's company (national) wide and we have three teams in our facility. Last year I volunteered to be team leader. I didn't feel I did a good job and I cheated alot because I could. This year I wanted to be a team member and prove that I could really do this. Well....conveniently there was a shortage of volunteers for team leader, and seeing how my info was already in the computer from last year, I got stuck with it again. Oh well. Now I can really prove myself. Yesterday I got in 7 cups of fruits/veggies and almost 12,000 steps! Todays totals will be even greater. I have started walking on my lunch breaks and....(drum roll please).....I have started jogging/running on my treadmill!!! I am following the couch 2 K program. I love it. To start, you alternate walking 90 seconds with jogging/running 30 seconds for a total of 20 minutes. It may not sound like alot but for someone that hasn't run in 16 years and weighs over 300 pounds...it is. I am a good sore and I love it. I really want to keep at it. In May we have a company sponsered "Walk For The Health Of It". I want to complete it without huffing and puffing!
I suppose that is all for now. I just need to keep my focus. This is about me. ME. Not for other's acceptance or approval. Having the kids follow suit will just be an added benefit. I have to do this for me and my happiness or I will continue to fail.
Jennifer March 25 Finally Feeling BetterI am about 85% better. Still have some congestion and a sore throat but for the most part I feel tons better. Now it's time to get back on track! I am still down 36 pounds but I have been eating terribly and not working out at all. Being sick, there were lots of days I barely ate and other days when I just ate pure junk. So enough of all that. I am actually looking forward to my salad at lunchtime! Eating so crappy made me feel even more sluggish than normal. Ick. It was a necessary evil though. All the cold medicines and anti~biotics were making me nauseous.
Anyway~I promised the kids we would start swimming again once everyone was healthy (the pools at our gym are nice and heated
 ). I also bought myself a pair of roller skates!! I have only tried them once and almost killed myself. I think it's a combination of not skating for the past 13 years and being so heavy. I'm just going to keep practicing until it feels natural again. I'm also still trying to teach my daughter how to skate. It's just scary because she has no balance at all! When she falls she just lets herself fall. I am scared to death she is going to hurt herself . I suppose that's it. I am attempting to change up the page a bit and really get involved with those looking to stick around now that the competition is over. It's still up in the air whether or not I still have my partner. We will see.
Jennifer March 17 Still SickI am still miserably sick. Today is my first day back at work too.
I have now lost 12 pounds for a total of 36.5!!! OMG! On one hand I am thrilled BUT the reality is, it kinda sucks. Why? Because I am beginning to understand my body and I don't like it! In the last few years the only time I have had success losing weight is by eating barely anything. Back in 2005, my Dr. started me on an anti~depressant. They virtually cut out my emotional eating. In turn I went from 235 to 203 in a month! In October of 2006 my whole world fell down around me when my now~ex boyfriend cheated on me. I didn't (couldn't) eat for almost a week. In two weeks times I lost 22 pounds. Now I have this horrible Bronchitus crap and can hardly eat (my throat doesn't hurt anymore I am just not hungry at all) and I am again losing weight like crazy. Like I said, I am not complaining but in the long run it's frustrating. Can I live eating barely anything on a normal basis? NOOOOOOO! It got me thinking though. When I really out of control, binge to a point that I am sick (haven't done it in months) I gain weight. When I don't deny myself anything and eat whatever I want (again, haven't done that in months) I gain. When I eat like the average person I gain. When I go 50/50 (diet versus regular eating) I may go up a pound or 2 but pretty much I maintain. BUT......when I stick to a 1,600-2,000 calorie diet I still only maintain.  My biggest worry was that all those years of diet pills killed my metabolism (has anyone heard anything about the long term affects of diet pills on metabolism?). I started taking ephedra type pills after my daughter was born (2000). I took them consistantly for years. When they pulled ephedra off the market I went for the ephedra free stuff. After awhile I wasnt even taking them for weightloss but for energy. I felt drained without them (although they made me feel like crap too). I finally quit taking them late last year (after 7 years). I don't NEED them anymore which is awesome. Anyway, I think I really need to tweek my diet around. It has to be something I can live with long term and still result in Weightloss. I know I definately need to step up my activity. Maybe that is the key to all of it. I am so dizzy I am probably not making any sense. I bought my 7 year old daughter her very first pair of roller skates (not in~line). She is an accident waiting to happen! I can't wait to get a pair of my own so we can practice together. My son Matthew wants a pair now but I think his grandma would kill me (he is my son with the brain tumor). I think I will find a little bit safer activity for him.
The only other thing I can think of is that we need to post current pics! It's been 2 months. I guess it's a 'we'? I have no clue. Haven't talked to my partner a whole lot since Reno
 . Jennifer March 16 SickI had no choice but to snap out of my little pity party. I pretty much came home from Reno with a little stuffy nose and have been getting sicker everyday. I was out of work all lastweek. I attempted to go Thursday but was quickily sent home. I finally broke down and went to the doctor today and found out I have a severe case of Bronchitis. I have literally done nothing but sleep all week. Even today at the Dr's office (day 8 of being sick) I felt like I was going to pass out. They gave me some medicine that I am praying helps me get better soon. I have no choice but to go back to work Monday and I am literally dreading it. I have never been this sick in my entire life!
 On a semi~good note though (I guess), my throat hurts so bad so I am very limited on what I can eat. So far I am down another 7 pounds. It was nice to go to the Dr and get weighed with my jeans, shoes and heavy oversized sweatshirt and still weigh less than my scale at home says . I'll be honest though, I can't wait to be able to excersise and eat healthy again. Being this sick for so long is getting really depressing. On one last note, I wanted to apologize to anyone that was offended by my last blog. I was having a pity party and didn't really read what I was writing. I felt like a complete jerk when I re~read it later. I'm so sorry!
Jennifer March 10 Wake Up CallSo we are back from our long awaited trip to Reno. It was chaotic and disappointing to say the least. It could have been so much better than it was. It's depressing. I am also getting 150% back on track. I took a few blows to my self esteem. It hurt but I can be delusional sometimes when it comes to my weight. 312 pounds is by no means chunky, chubby or cute (on me). It's morbid obesity, plain and simple. There were a few people that I was around over the weekend that used to flirt etc...(I was the center of attention when we hung out). They didn't give me the time of day. In fact one of my step brothers didnt even recognize me...and I mean that in a negative way. On a good note though, I enjoyed my freedom of not having to worry about making another person happy (i.e. my ex). I honestly don't want to be in another relationship right now. I do want to be happy and not so insecure though. I feel like I am not at all the person (personality wise) that I used to be.
The one good thing that I have to say about the trip was that, although I ate pretty badly, we walked so much that I didn't gain a thing. If I had the chance to go back I would have definately made some better food choices and turned all my walking into a loss, but I will take the maintain
. Expect to be hearing lots more from me. I am kicking my own butt into gear. Jennifer March 04 Back in BusinessYay! We are back! I need to start being a better partner. The enabler in me didn't want to bother Dawn about all the BL stuff because I know what she is going through but in reality she needs me more than ever. Anyway, my mind is totally consumed with the Reno trip
. I feel like a little kid! I am literally so excited I can't sleep at night. As I think Dawn would agree, this trip is special. This will be my first 'solo' vacation in 6 years. I am hoping by leaving my ex behind, the drama will stay at home too. I am almost afraid to be too excited though, I don't want to be let down. I think to much  .Anyway, I am adding activity where I can. It's just really hard to find the time right now. Come Monday and it's reality time again, I will be getting 100% back on track. You don't realise until you falter how many people are depending on you. Everytime I get lazy about working out, eating right, bills, anything.....everyone in my household follows suit. Sometimes that pressure can feel overwhelming. I just have to do the best I can.
Change of subject. When I was younger up until I was about 18, I lived in my roller skates. I loved them! When I was about 25 I tried rollerblades and didn't care for them. A few days ago I was watching some movie about roller dancing or something like that and it got me thinking about the roller rinks I spent so much time in as a kid. They are now closed due to gang activity etc.. That really sucks to be perfectly honest. So I came up with a great idea. After Patrick removes his broken down vw bug out, I'm going to turn the garage into a kid~safe mini roller rink. I personally would love it (already have my skates picked out
). It would be fun to teach the kids how to skate. I suppose that's all for now. I am sure we will have tons of pics to post after our trip. I can't wait!
Jennifer NightmareI am awake because of a nightmare, a really bad one. In my nightmare, for some reason I was riding the bus to the ghetto with my three-year old son, Aidan. The next thing I remember was that I was off of the bus, but now I didn't have Aidan and I was walking down the street. I remember thinking that I needed to hide my Debit card in case I was robbed, so I remember sticking it under my boob and thinking that the corner was sticking out. I looked up, and I saw a couple face down on the ground, about a block away from being robbed by another couple by gun point. The robbers had noticed me right away, and I remember thinking that there was no way I was going to be able to run away, I was just to fat, and I was going to get shot if I did. The male shouted at me to lay on the ground, with my hands behind my back, and so I did what he said, thinking that I was not going to be able to out run him. As I laid there I was thinking, "well at least they would find my Debit card". Then I heard a gun shot, and a heart-wrenching scream, and then the couple that were robbing these people started shouting. "Together We Will Rule the World". All I remember thinking was that I was going to die, because I was too fat to outrun these people. As I got up, they started shouting for me to get down, I began to run........and then I woke up. And now I can't go back to sleep. Dawn
March 03 Busy, busy, busyLife has been so busy for me lately, My son just got over a nasty virus which he gave to Jennifer's daughter. I have been trying to get ahead in my homework for my brother's wedding on Friday, providing to be much harder for me than I thought, I am carrying 16 units and working full-time. I have lost focus in my routine, that whole husband thing really shook me up and I am having a hard time recovering. Dawn WowAlthough we have both been so busy, this has really helped me alot in so many ways and the little community of fellow 'losers' is too awesome to just throw away. So I am sticking around and continuing my weightloss journey regardless of the competition.
The last few weeks have been crazy to say the least. I think my current stressors are having a sick child (she has a nasty virus) and trying to get myself and 2 kids ready to leave for Reno on Friday. My weightloss has stalled but it is completely my fault. I was sick the last couple of weeks and overly exhausted so I only worked out one day. This past weekend I gave into eating out alot because I was 'busy'. A lame excuse I know. I haven't gained a single pound back so I am not letting myself be discouraged. I just need to nip it in the bud and get back on track. Obviously this coming weekend I will have no choice but to eat out (will be in Reno Fri-Sun) but I can and will choose healthier options. I am so excited about the trip! I have a couple of very nice outfits (and the size 22 jeans fit!) that I can't wait to wear.
Jennifer February 20 Feeling So GoodI am feeling so good today. Optomistic. Lastnight I started thinking about all the things that have changed since we started this challenge. Habits that I never thought I'd break. Habits that I could never stick to before. The biggest one being eating out. In my household we were eating out together at least 4 to 5 times a week. Add to that the multiple times a week I'd grab fastfood by myself. Not only was it a huge calorie burden but on average we were spending around $200 a week eating out! Now it has been cut down to once a week and that's it! It wasnt even really intended. The less I started eating out the less I craved it. Now that I don't want it I am less likely to go buy it for anyone else. Now I honestly don't even think about it anymore and I have noticed that the kids are even starting to get used to not eating out too (they have stopped harassing me about kid's meals..haha).
Another thing is water intake. I have never been a big fan of water. I started forcing myself to drink water while at work. At first I think I was averaging maybe 24 oz a day. Now I am up to 60-80 oz a day with no problem. In fact I actually prefer water now and only drink diet soda when I am feeling a little tired (I don't drink coffee).
There are lots of other things I could go into but to make a long story short; emotional eating, bingeing, 'pig out' days...all a thing of the past.
My new healthier habits definately have a positive affect on my kids. Not only are they not asking for fastfood anymore, but they will actually choose a bottle of water to drink over anything else and they are getting into excersise and activity. In fact I just signed my 7 year old daughter up for cheer (starts in August) and now my oldest son wants to start either baseball, karate or basketball. My 9 year old son has a brain tumor so he is a little limited on what he can and can't do but he loves to walk and has even started jogging a little
 . I recently bought him a basketball so that my older son could teach him how to play :)Well, I have a busy day ahead. I brought lots of veggies to tide me over throughout the day.
 Jennifer
February 18 Wow, My Second Blog In One Week, Now That's Progress!My first step in getting control back into my life since the incident is to write this blog. I spent two hours today getting rid of my husband's things out of my bedroom and cleaning and rearranging it. With all of the physical activity I did tonight, I feel I have gained back some of my control. I have stayed away from the diet soda today, drank all of my water, and cooked at home. I have been really fighting myself with the whole cooking thing, and fast food of any type, even if it is "healthy" is just not good for me. I really have to watch my sodium or my legs balloon up with water, which is what I have noticed lately. My spirits are also getting better, I am starting to enjoy my life again rather than live in self pity. I will write more often I promise. Dawn I'm Starving TodayWell not really starving. I have just been hungry non stop (unsatisfied) all morning. First things this morning (6:00 am) I had 2 scrambled eggs and 2 mini bagels w/light cream cheese. Normally that tides me over until around 10:30-11:00am. Not today. I ended up eating a non fat yogurt and a banana too. The stupid thing is that I don't know if I am really hungry. I think I'm honestly just tired. I barely slept at all lastnight. For now I feel ok (I'm drinking a sugar free Rockstar). As long as I stick to the food I brought and don't go anywhere at lunchtime I will be good.
Anyway, I have been doing little things to add some type of activity to my day, even when I am busy. I have a set of handweights in my desk and have been doing various arm excersise throughout the day (no one can see me thankfully
 ). Eventually I want to start using them while I walk at lunchtime but lately I'm lucky if I even get a lunch break. Also, I have started sitting on a stability ball at home while I'm helping the kids with homework, watching tv and/or folding laundry. You'd be suprised at how hard it can be to keep your balance..lol. Every once in awhile I will try to balance without holding onto anything or touching the floor. Usually I have to grab one of the kids to stop me from falling...lol. What else? Here at work, our microwave, fridge etc.. is located in the garage of this particular building. While I'm waiting for my lunch to heat up I do calf raises. I am so tempted to to do walking lunges back and forth but I'm still a little scared that someone will walk in and see me..lol. You get the point. I know it's nothing major but they make me feel like I am accomplishing something, at least more than I was. I'm glad I blogged today. The 'hunger' is gone. Now it's time to work. Even if it strikes again it's almost lunchtime anyway
.Jennifer February 17 Feeling Very OptimisticI have been so busy lately it's been crazy! The next few weeks are going to be non stop but I can handle it
. Anyway, I haven't been paying a whole lot of attention to the scale lately because it is kind of stuck. What I have been paying attention to is my clothes. When I started this I was wearing a size 26 in jeans and they were snug. The other day I was wearing a size 24 jeans. I was shocked when my now ex boyfriend made a comment about my jeans getting baggy.  My 24's!!! I am very happy to hear that. It gives me motivation to keep pushing, no matter how long it takes to reach my goal. I made a bold step also. I bought a nice outfit to wear to my brother's wedding in Reno (3 weeks away). The size 24's in the jeans I wanted were sold out so I bought 22's! At first I was worried that I had made a mistake but I know I can do this! I will update again tomorrow when I have a little more time. I am happily awaiting my new Biggest Loser dvds to come in the mail. I ordered the 2 seperate cardio and sculpting ones they have out. I can't wait!
Jennifer Another Sunday Check-InWell this week was little better than last week emotionally. I walked one day only, on Monday, but things will be less hectic this week so I should be able to squeeze more exercise in. Things are starting to get a little better at home, where a lot more of my focus has to be on my kids. I went to the store last night to stock up on veggies, and I vow to cook every night this week. My weigh-in kind of sucked yesterday, I only lost one pound, but hey I know why. I just need to leave all of the emotional garbage behind me this and take charge of my life again this week. I know I will feel better if I am doing something about my health and weight. Until next week....... Dawn February 11 Bummer!I read/watched an article today on how drinking diet soda makes you gain weight. It has something to do with the artificial sweetener confusing your brain and eventually messing up your metabolism. Even as much as one 12oz can a day can do damage. they aren't even sure if it's reversable! That really stinks. I have been drinking diet soda since I was a kid. On average I go through at least a 2liter a day.
 So I guess I am going to have to figure out ways to eliminate artificial sweeteners from my daily diet. For the most part it won't be a big deal with the exception of soda. Boooo!!!! Here's the link: http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/OnCall/story?id=4271246&page=1
Jennifer  February 10 Hiding in My ShellIt has been a week since I posted my last blog, a really hard and long week. I had slipped into a deep depression as soon as Monday morning hit and I had dropped my kids off at daycare. I ended up going home from work early and I went to bed and it took a force to get me to get out of bed. I have been battling with the refrigerator, my comfort, all week. I walked on Monday, but I found it hard to get to work early enough any other day. I did keep up with my good eating habits, and I still managed to lose two pounds this. I am starting to feel a little better, and today I bought myself an iPod to help motivate me in my exercise regimen. My five year old son Dominick has been having a really rough week as well and in my opinion, has been displaying the classic signs of emotional eating. Taking my sister's advice I bought him a video game system today to help him take his mind off of food. I also enrolled me and the boys in counseling, we all need it after what we have been through. I will have a better week! Dawn Where oh Where Did My Partner Go?Life as definately been happening. Both Dawn and I are going through some major life drama. I myself haven't given up. I don't think Dawn has either. It just kinda stinks. We were doing so good and it was fun to be working together on this. Men!
 Anyway, I am the type of person that needs a definite goal. Something to work towards. If I sit there and look at the whole massive picture I will just give up again and resign myself to always being 300+ pounds. Even if I make 'being healthy' my main goal I will probably throw in the towel. Right now I am focusing on my brother's wedding. It's in three and a half weeks. I am so excited! Not only will it be a fun get~away, but it will be my first drama free vacation in 5 years (leaving the ex behind). I am soooooo close to breaking out of the 300's. I would kill to even be 295 by then! Also, I bought a really expensive and very cute outfit for my company holiday party back in Dec. At the time I was still 337. My mom said she would 'take it in' for me
. So I am going to keep working hard up until maybe a week before and have her adjust as needed. Yay! Another huge thing for me is that alot of my family hasn't seen me since I started losing weight so it will be awesome for them to notice a change. I am really starting to notice a change in my energy level. Yesterday I walked up a flight of stairs (to my mom's apartment) and wasn't huffing and puffing like I had been. Then I went home and rearranged my room which involved lots of heavy lifting and moving furniture around etc..Normally I would have my now~ex help me but I did it all by myself. I literally worked for more than 3 hours non~stop. My 7 year old daughter kept telling me to take a break..lol. Today my shoulders and arms are sore, but it's a good sore.
Well I am off to call my sister and find out if she is ok (and to bug her about updating her blog
). If I just let her be, I'm afraid she might give up and that would be very sad. Jennifer February 07 Get Out!I have once again been fighting the 'blahs'. It is so hard to fit excersise into daily life. Well at least 4 days a week it is. I work Tues-Fri, 6:00 am to 4:30 pm. I usually get home around 5:00pm. By the time I cook dinner, help kids with homework and do things around the house it's late. I think I am making a huge mistake by avoiding the gym. At home it is too easy to put off working out. I can always think of ten other things that I 'should' be doing. That in itself is a big problem for me. I have to start looking at excersise as a priority and a part of daily life. If I can't find a way to make it part of my life it will never work. Right now it ranks with painting my toenails or organizing my closet when it should rank with brushing my teeth and showering
. So with that in mind, I am making a plan for myself. Sat-Mon will be my heavy workout days. Regardless of if it's activity with the kids or the gym, it won't be hard to squeeze it in on those days. On the days I work, I'm going to walk at lunchtime (when it's possible) and then either swim, ex.bike, or use the treadmill in the evenings. Something is better than nothing at all. Speaking of walking, yesterday I was walking to the back of our facility to get a Diet Dr.Pepper (was falling asleep) and something popped in my calf. It felt like someone hit me in the back of my calf with a rubber band. After that, my ankle felt funny. Kinda of loose or weak. The rest of the day it was just a little sore. Today it feels ok but now my knee hurts (same leg).
Well I have a busy day at work to look forward to so I will write more later.
Jennifer February 03 Blogging to Stay Away From the RefrigeratorI am really having a bad day, and it didn't start until my husband came home drunk. It is my son's birthday and he was selfish and got drunk. He came home mean and was creating a scene in front of my kids and pushing me around and so I had no choice but to call the cops on him. I just can't live like this anymore, he may have a disease but I can't let it effect my kids anymore. He has been taking domestic violence classes for five months now and it is not helping at all. I am trying to keep my butt on this computer and away from the kitchen because I don't think I can control myself right now. God, please give me the strength I need to keep him out of our lives for good. Dawn Dawn's Super Bowl Food StrategyWell after my weigh-in yesterday (I lost 4 pounds, for a total of 22 pounds) I have even more motivation to keep doing what I am doing. I bought a big veggie tray for the game today and I am going to make air-popped popcorn. It is also my son Dominick's birthday today, he turned five, so I made him cupcakes instead of cake and I bought weight watchers muffins so I won't feel left out. Even though we are from California I am routing for the New England Patriots because I don't care for the New York Giants. Have a great day everyone! |
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